August

Rose of Sharon

Well, August 1st came and went without celebration.  It marked the end of a 6 month wait for some sort of insurance to kick in.  Even so, I had to pay out $9000.00, plus another $3000.00 to come, for what insurance may or may not cover.  And I have YOU to thank for having that money to hand over!  I am so grateful not to have that heavy burden on my shoulders right now, heading into the surgery………  Thank you, Thank you.

And so time is marching on and as each day is another day closer to surgery I do what I can to prepare for the changes it brings, to the best of my ability, of course….  Because, how does one prepare for this complete uncertainty?

For weeks I have been grieving, feeling vulnerable, weepy and sensitive, carrying the weight of this unknown upon my shoulders, trying to relate to the world around me that goes on as usual, with no regard for what might slow it down with fear, heartache and sorrow.

There are painful reminders of how everyones lives keep going along as usual and I am no longer riding that particular train.  Mostly, I can’t commit to anything and want to stay home, where I feel safe and don’t have to make excuses for all of the chaos that is going on inside of me.

So I find myself retreating a little more each day, to both protect myself and prepare for what lies ahead.  I am already not the same person I once was just not too long ago.  Only a few things can take me out of this funk and they have to do with music and food, playing music with others, listening to it being performed, preparing food for others etc…  These come as nice reprieves and bring me pockets of joy sandwiched between the rest.

I met with my doctor a few days ago and walked away from that appointment with mixed feelings.  I get confused, sometimes he can really freak me out and I have often left there crying and very unsettled.  This time he was so nonchalant and casual about it all that he had me convinced that it was no big deal but as my friend Patti said, who came along with us, “you want it to be no big deal, TO HIM, because it means he has done this kind of thing and is comfortable with it, of course it IS still a big deal to you…”  I agree.  I walked away that day feeling more solid and better about the whole procedure, even though he gave me some details that were disgusting, like, there will be a packing up above where my palate would be and will have to be there for 10 days.  Unfortunately, there will be a very foul odor coming from it.  My reaction was okay, my friends will have to be okay with that….

It appears that I am surrendering to the whole thing .

So now the push is to get a bunch of tests done and in a certain timing so that all things line up for surgery, the morning of August 18.  THIS is the ride I am on and though they say it is the journey that is most significant, I have to admit that getting to the destination sure sounds appealing right now.

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